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An Open Letter to the Spiders in Our Yard

August 31, 2006

Dear spiders,

While I appreciate your role in the ecosystem, and the coldly efficient way in which you reduce the flying insect population around our house, this whole being bitten thing is getting old.

It seems that every time I step into the backyard, or dare mow the grass, or have the audacity to wash the car, I come away bitten.  And you wonder why I do all in my power to kill you, and kill you dead, when you appear in the open, scurrying along the driveway toward the house.

So let’s make a deal.  You stick to spinning your webs and sucking the juicy bits out of flies and gnats, and I’ll leave you alone.  I’ll even look the other way if you go all "Charlotte’s Web" and start using your webs as a medium for advertising the positive aspects of our dogs.

But if you want to keep scurrying around in cracks and crevices, lurking in the grass so you can bite the great pink buffoon, get the hell out of my yard.  And take the wasps with you.  Otherwise, I’m coming after you.  And it won’t be pretty.

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. August 31, 2006 6:15 pm

    Won’t be pretty for who? You or the spiders?

  2. September 1, 2006 11:05 am

    Probably me, knowing my luck.

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