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It’s Called a Fortune Cookie for a Reason!

August 18, 2005

Fortune cookies, those delectable, individually wrapped treats, are supposed to contain fortunes. A better word might be prophecies – predictions of future events.

Yeah, well, when was the last time you actually got a fortune from a fortune cookie? A real, honest to goodness fortune that used a future-tense verb. “You will…”, “You shall”, and so on and so forth?

I’ve been noticing a lack of fortunes. Instead, fortune cookies are now employing advice and/or tired cliches.

“Buckle your seatbelt!”

“A smile is a frown turned upside down!”

In high school, I have memories of one time receiving a fortune that said “Brush your teeth twice a day to keep the cavities away!” That is not, in any way, shape, or form, a fortune.

I am of the opinion that this is but another sign of the imminent collapse of Western civilization.

14 Comments leave one →
  1. Tim McDougall permalink
    August 22, 2005 12:01 am

    Does getting a lottery number in your fortune cookie count as one of the great evils? I mean, I’m always disappointed when it happens. Who wants a bunch of numbers when you’re looking for a post General Tso affirmation that you’re really a kind and generous human being, or that you’re going to travel a lot, or that you will have success at work, right?

    But. It’s technically about a fortune, right?

    I’m so confused.


  2. August 22, 2005 1:10 pm

    the worst one i remember from high school was “eat from the four food groups”. It wasn’t even a kind recommendation. It was an order. I was thinking “screw you, you can’t make me have dairy you cookie despot!”

  3. August 22, 2005 9:46 pm

    You guys are wierd

  4. Tim McDougall permalink
    August 23, 2005 12:29 am

    Do noodle restaurants give fortunes?

    Time to stand up and be counted.

  5. August 23, 2005 10:35 pm

    Oh I’ve had experiences with fortune cookies alright. I once had an jokster employee who mixed gag fortune cookies in with the ones we handed out to guests. Try explaining “You will be hit by a car”, “Nobody likes you” and my favorite “Don’t look around, that smell is you” to a disgruntled guest. No so much fun. (An eighty year old lady got the smell one. She did not see the humor in it!)

    Now, I fear the fortune cookie

  6. Tim McDougall permalink
    August 23, 2005 11:39 pm

    But … did she smell?

    I mean, maybe this guy wasn’t so much a prankster as a man on a mission from his higher power. Maybe he had the third eye, the special sight, THE GIFT.

    These details are important.

    Smell. No smell. ?

    (If she did smell, there’s a Cassandra parallel going on here, but I’ll let Matt write pages and pages about that because, well, he can. Or maybe he can write an alternative history of the Iliad were instead of Cassandra, the misunderstood prophet, we have Prankster Fortune Cookie Guy. I think the whole thing would’ve come out differently. I really believe this.)

  7. August 24, 2005 12:56 am

    Cassandra? You mean Demi Moore’s character from the John Cusak classic “One Crazy Summer”? What does she have to do with it. I know that Bobcat Golddthewtattfsgdyoasdjs got stuck in a Godzilla costume – but that is really stretching the Asian link.

  8. August 24, 2005 6:11 am

    Well…Achilles would have probably ended up winning the lottery…

  9. August 24, 2005 8:47 pm

    Back to my original statement…you guys are wierd

  10. August 24, 2005 9:28 pm

    And this is a sudden revelation?

  11. August 24, 2005 11:57 pm

    hey Matt – do you want to get in a fantasy football league – Tim and Dad are in it.

  12. August 25, 2005 10:43 am

    I’m going to have to decline – I’ve tried fantasy leagues in the past, and I’m awful about keeping up with them.

  13. Tim McDougall permalink
    August 25, 2005 10:23 pm

    Sheesh. Way to buzz kill, dudes. And after the “One Crazy Summer” reference. That was a QUALITY reference.

    Rule number one is we don’t talk about Fight Club. Number two is that we ALWAYS have to follow up a Demi Moore reference when somebody manages to work it in. I mean, that’s like getting a triple word score in scrabble or something.

  14. August 25, 2005 11:12 pm

    I know, my bad. Can I have a do-over?

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