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Sam for Homeland Security Secretary

November 30, 2004

As you are all surely aware, Tom Ridge is set to resign from his post as Homeland Security Secretary.  During the next several days, President Bush will likely weigh his options before appointing some ill-qualified lackey to the post.

In the meantime, however, I wish to put forward my own candidate.


That’s right.  Sam for Homeland Security Secretary.

The way I see it, Sam is adept at defending our home, so why not our homeland?

Sam is an unyielding sentinel.  Every day he courageously defends us from the terrors of neighbors checking the mail or walking their dogs, strong gusts of wind, children at play, giant, inflatable balls, frogs, and the occasional bird.  In the rare event that a threat slips past his net of vigilance, he is quick to act, grabbing even the smallest flying insects from the air, or at least giving his all in the attempt.


Sam confronting one of the daily threats to his treasured backyard.

Meg and Smith provide support, but Sam is the one who gets the job done.  He is the one who tirelessly watches the front door, and stalks up and down the fence, warning innocuous looking three year olds to stay the hell away.

What has Tom Ridge done, I ask, besides coming up with that silly color code and scaring people into buying duct tape (I smell pork there)?  Sam could do that, and much more.  He would tirelessly patrol the nation’s borders and coastal waters, on the lookout for any and all threats.  He would teach children the importance of being ever-vigilant, of licking themselves, and of turning around three times before lying down.

One Comment leave one →
  1. November 30, 2004 4:40 pm

    Don’t forget the hidden poo bomb trick. He could lay them all across our foreign borders. Whenever somebody tries to sneak across our borders, the alarm of “Oh man, I think I stepped in something” will ring out to alert the proper authorities. I can’t even image the potential of the silent but deadly secret weapon – The Doggy Fart

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