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On Politics

August 4, 2004

Okay, so this idea came upon me today at work, and has slowly germinated within the fertile (and disturbed) fields of my imagination.

I hate political campaigns. I know I’m not the only one. I hate the commercials, the lobbed accusations, the false promises, the pandering, the posturing. It should all be done away with.

My initial idea was simple. In fact, too simple to work. Basically, grab Bush, Cheney, Kerry, and Edwards, and put them in a used car sales lot. Let them try to sell as many cars as they can in a day, and televise the whole thing. I mean, if Kerry can coalition-build and get the UN to commit to Iraq, he should be able to unload a 1994 Pathfinder SE, right? But then I realized John Edwards would win hands down.

So here’s my new, improved idea. A POLITICIAN PAGEANT. Sort of like the Miss America Pageant, but without the swimsuit competition (does anyone really want to see a half-naked Dick Cheney? Didn’t think so). You know, they have to show up in evening wear, display some sort of skill, answer three or four questions eloquently. That sort of thing. Call me jaded, but I don’t think the TELEVISION VIEWING PUBLIC has a much longer attention span than that.


We add an OBSTACLE COURSE. Both mental and physical. Personally I’d like to see the physical side done American Gladiators style. The tennis-ball-gun thing. Because its so symbolic of the sniping they’ll get by the national media. On the mental side, I have so many ideas. Placing the candidates in an AWKWARD AND UNCOMFORTABLE SITUATION that they must defuse with aplomb. Bush playing Scrabble with Michael Moore, for example. Or John Kerry being forced to show up to a Greenpeace rally in his SUV (sorry, his family’s SUV, what a crock of…).

And to top it all off, everyone squares off in some sort of anger-inducing game. Risk! Monopoly. Poker. Something like that. There’d be a lotto-ball type thing that would determine it.

I mean, why not? I think it’d be a better judge of presidential character than a drawn out, false, say-one-thing-then-do-another campaign.

2 Comments leave one →
  1. August 4, 2004 2:19 pm

    I think that running mates should be forced to wallpaper together. If a relationship can survive co-wallpapering, it can survive anything.

    Those of you who have never tried to wallpaper with your significant other are shaking your heads in confusion right now. But those who HAVE are nodding and saying…”Aaaah, yes. True. True. An excellent idea….”

    I think I’ll write a blog post ’bout this…gotta go.

    BTW, this post of yours….Very Funny.

  2. August 8, 2004 1:25 pm

    Maybe they copuld rent out some kids (3 kids all under the age of 11) and drive accross country, stay at Motel Six and spend 3 days at Disney World. Whoever survives with all three kids is the winner.

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