Mail in an E-mail World…

I hate mail. I hate having to go check it (we have one of those “community boxes” at the end of the street). I hate that it’s either full of crap, more crap, or bills (which we pay electronically anyway). I hate that everything I pull out always ends up being dated.

I hate that mail almost ruined my Sunday.

The Routan Survives

I sure didn’t see this coming.

The Volkswagen Routan is about as cynical a vehicle as they come. Beneath the massaged sheetmetal, it’s basically a rebadged Chrysler Town & Country. Same platform, same crappy engine.

Psst...it's just a Town & Country

I wrote about the Routan a year ago, and my opinion still stands. Volkswagen had a chance to really shake things up with their Microbus concept, and instead they took the lazy way out and foisted this warmed over, uninspired box on the buying public.

And the buying public smelled a rat. Despite a Brooke Shields-heavy ad campaign, the Routan never lit up the sales charts, never posed a serious threat to the Honda Odyssey or even the Kia Sedona.

So when Chrysler entered bankruptcy, I figured the Routan was a goner.

Imagine my surprise, then, at the announcement that the cow in sheep’s clothing would live on.

Volkswagen must be pulling in some hefty margins. That’s the only explanation that springs to mind.

Robots in Disguise

Jamie and I are off to see Transformers 2 tonight.

Yeah, I know the reviews haven’t exactly been kind, but you know what? I don’t care. It’s Transformers. As long as there’s a truck that transforms into a giant robot voiced by Peter Cullen, I’ll be there.

That said, pretty much every review I’ve read has come down really hard on two new Autobots who somehow manage to grab a bunch of screentime – Skids and Mudflap. The most damning – and, based on the clips I’ve seen, the most apt – description of them is “Car Car Binks”. In other words, annoying, borderline racist, and absolutely unnecessary characters.

You know, for the kids.

But seriously, what the hell? What’s the deal with including annoying, retarded characters “for the kids”? I was a kid once. I grew up on a steady diet of Transformers, Voltron, He-Man and GI Joe. And my favorite characters weren’t the comic relief sidekicks. They were the badass heroes and the completely awesome villains.

Kids don’t watch Star Wars and come away hero-worshipping C-3PO. They come away making lightsaber sounds and flying imaginary X-Wings down the Death Star trench and trying to use the Force.

But let’s assume for a moment that it’s important to have some non-badass robots for the kids to gravitate toward. Why do they have to be Kevin Federline-bots? The Gen 1 Transformers universe (i.e. the original Transformers from the mid-80s) is stuffed with non-retarded Autobots that would have made completely fitting sidekicks to Bumblebee, Sam, and Mikaela. Let’s review, shall we?

Cliffjumper

Though his bio states he transformed into a Porsche 924 Turbo, I’ll always remember Cliffjumper as basically the “red Bumblebee”. He was small, scrappy, and rash. Oh and he said things like “Decepti-creeps”. He’s the Autobot that would always rush into a situation, often against orders, and subsequently get spanked, which I guess was sort of a morality play for six-year-olds about the importance of listening to Optimus Prime.

Warpath

Warpath was always one of my favorite lesser Autobots. First of all, he turnd into an M551 Sheridan light tank, which is awesome. Second, he was an overly excitable Autobot who spoke with a Texas drawl and had a tendency to blurt out crap like “KABLAAM!” in the middle of firefights. So, kind of like a George W Bush robot. Maybe he could give all the other Autobots stupid nicknames.

Grimlock

Ah, the Dinobots. They were like a perfect storm of awesomeness for a young boy. Transformers that turn into DINOSAURS. And their leader, Grimlock, started the whole trend of refering to oneself in the third person that Bob Dole and NBA players and rappers would capitalize on so well in the 90s. Of course, robots that transform into giant metal dinosaurs makes less sense than robots that transform into cars and trucks and planes and stuff, so I’m not really sure how Michael Bay could have shoehorned ol’ Grimmy in. Probably with explosions.

Hot Rod

Hot Rod would have actually been a brilliant choice as a sidekick in Revenge of the Fallen. He was one of the new Transformers introduced in the animated Transformers movie from 1986 (which killed off a bunch of characters to make room for new ones…and their toys…and in so doing seared Transformers into the consciousness of a generation of boys with the death of Optimus Prime), and basically played the archetypal young punk who wants to be awesome but sucks, but then has adventures and proves himself and becomes the hero to the stirring lyrics of The Touch by Stan Bush:

This is What’s Wrong With the Country…

I’m all for rewarding achievement. What I am absolutely against is rewarding failure, which is a habit this country seems to have taken to with a fervor in recent years, whether in the form of Bush honoring failed appointees with the ridiculous “Medal of Freedom”, or in the form of golden parachute payouts to CEOs who leave their companies crippled and broken.

And here it is happening again, with the deprivatization of Fannie and Freddie.

Seriously, why aren’t these guys fired and sent packing with (at most) the same severance that would be offered to your average employee?

It’s a broken system that rewards the uppermost ranks of a company or government for what amounts to complete failure.

Big Wheel for Adults

Back when I was a little kid – that is, back when water guns looked like real guns – there was nothing cooler than a Big Wheel (well, except Transformers, but nothing’s cooler than Transformers). Giant front wheel, little back wheels, pedals and tassles. I mean come on! Though I don’t remember it, I apparently used to bomb down a tree-studded hill on one of these things when we lived in Knoxville. Probably explains a lot about my present-day driving style. Now, I DO remember blowing down the street in Dallas, one foot balanced on the seat, the other pushing away behind me, skateboard style, and leaping away just before the Big Wheel slammed into the curb. Again, probably explains a lot.

Now that I’m all grown up (in that I have a son of my own and a wife and a job and stuff), I don’t really have the equivalent of a Big Wheel anymore. The mountain bike is more like, well, a bike, and my MINI if anything, is a more civilized version of the go-karts my dad used to take me to drive when I was little.

But…change may be on the horizon. This morning, I came across a crazy contraption called the Trailcart. Invented in Germany, this thing’s being touted as the world’s “first pedal-powered four-wheel-drive off-road vehicle”. But looking at it, all I can think is Big Wheel.

I bet it’d even be fun to run one into a curb.

Someone Failed History…

Well then.

Umm…we kinda did…